Dear Lea,
i don't know about life anymore. it's the first week of summer and i'm sitting on the balcony of my duplex in a tiny town in Kansas. it's a gorgeous night, the perfect temperature, all the stars are out and best of all, no mosquitoes for some reason. and even now, on the perfect summers night, i'm curled up in a chair in the fresh air, writing about how much i want to die.
nothing in my life is okay anymore... there isn't even enough of a life worth living for. i don't know why i haven't tried to kill myself yet. for some reason, the daily routine and my job and exercising are giving me enough endorphins to not try... or maybe i'm just too lazy. the closest i ever get is lying on my bed, crying like a baby, wishing wish all my heart that i'd simply stop breathing. i wish suicide were that simple. i just have these momentary thoughts when i'm walking or biking to work, where i just hope i've mis-calculated a turn, or there's a drunk drive who hits me... i guess the truth of is that i want very badly to be dead, but i won't do it myself.
look, i don't know why i'm like this, so don't ask me. all i know is that depression sucks. my roommate found me today standing in my closet with my face against the window, crying like a baby and watching the sunset.
the sky looked like cotton candy.
it was beautiful.
so this is the second kid in two weeks from my high school to kill himself. it's kind of ridiculous. the kids are starting to call it The Summer of the Suicides. which isn't very encouraging. i wish everyone could see the good in themselves. i wish i could.
There are people who will tell you that getting through life is easy. That if you just put on a brave face and keep going, everything will somehow work out. That is a load of crap. Sometimes life does get the better of you and it takes some backtracking to get back on track. Pride must be swallowed, and tears must be shed for the greater good of humanity. When i first realized i was going to have to move back home after failing out of my first year of college and losing my scholarship, i cried because i thought i was a useless failure. i still feel a little like that now. and i'm still crying, i still feel despair, but even though my pride is shot, and the world may call me a failure, this is what i must do to survive in the long run. i've always been one to trust that in the end everything will always find a way, i just never realized that every once in a while, i'd have to stop trusting, and start DOING, instead of just sitting around and waiting for everything to just work itself out.
today, for the first time in three years, i cut myself. i don't know why really. i guess it just took my mind off of everything else. gave me something to concentrate on other than my head and heart aches. but i don't know how to move on. i can't help my roommates find a replacement for me, i can't afford to stay here long enough to do so... the word FAILURE just keeps coming to my mind. that word has begun to make me twitch, i hate that word. god, why isn't there a fast forward button in real life? i'm tired, i just want to go home and die.
no, what i really want to do is sing until my veins burst. just sing with every fiber of my being. break glass and make people cry. that's what i want. to sing.
Love,
Me
